Navigating Biting, Hitting, and Scratching: Understanding Physical Impulses in the Toddler Years
Receiving a phone call or note at pick-up that your child was bitten, scratched, or hit brings an immediate tightening in your chest. Just as painful, however, is being on the receiving end of the news that your child was the one who bit, pinched, or struck another child.
Whether your child came home with a mark or was the one who caused it, these moments evoke big emotions in adults: fear, guilt, protection, anxiety, and even embarrassment.
In our Young Children’s Community (YCC)—serving toddlers ages 12 to 36 months—physical impulses like biting, pinching, scratching, and hitting are among the most challenging behaviors adults navigate. They are also among the most common and developmentally expected.
Understanding why these behaviors happen through a Montessori lens allows us to support our children with calm, loving clarity while holding space for the discomfort we feel as parents and educators.
The Developmental Landscape: Why Toddlers Express Physical Impulses
In AMI Montessori, we view the child from birth to age three as being in the period of the Unconscious Absorbent Mind. During these two dynamic years in the YCC, the children experience rapid cognitive, physical, and emotional growth. However, their brain development is inherently uneven:
Expressive Language vs. Receptive Language: Young children understand far more than they can verbally articulate. When another child steps into their personal space, takes a work item, or simply moves too quickly, a toddler may know exactly what they feel ("I was using that!"), but lack the words to say it in time. Physical action becomes their fastest form of communication.
Impulse Control: The prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for self-regulation, delay of gratification, and pausing before acting—is only in its earliest stages of development. A young child may know intellectually that biting hurts, but in a split second of overwhelm, frustration, or excitement, the physical impulse bypasses reflection entirely.
Sensory Exploration and Cause-and-Effect: Young children explore their world through movement, touch, and oral input. Sometimes biting or pinching begins not as anger, but as a sensory query: "What happens if I exert pressure here?" or "What kind of sound will my friend make?"
None of these behaviors stem from malice, intentional cruelty, lack of supervision or bad parenting. They are raw, unfiltered expressions of a young child navigating a complex world with developing tools.
Honoring the Emotional Reality for Parents
It is completely normal to feel deeply unsettled when physical incidents occur, both when your child is with you, or while they are in the care of others (school, babysitters, playdates, etc.).
If your child was hurt, your natural protective instinct surges. You want your child to feel safe, comforted, and protected - especially when they are away from your protective eye.
If your child was the one who bit or hit, it can bring a painful wave of shame or worry: "Am I doing something wrong at home?" or "Is my child aggressive?" We want to reassure you: Your child is not bad, and you are not failing.
This stage is a normal, albeit uncomfortable, chapter in human development. Our role as the adults in their lives—both guides and parents—is not to shame the child for having an impulse, but to be their calm, steady anchor while they learn self-regulation.
What We Are Doing at School
In our AMI prepared environment, we approach these moments with scientific observation, grace, and objective limits.
1. Observation and Pattern Identification
When a child exhibits a pattern of biting, hitting, or pinching, our first step is careful observation. We look for the "why" behind the behavior:
Is it happening during transitions, when energy levels shift?
Is it triggered by fatigue, teething, hunger, or overstimulation?
Is it an unmet physical need, such as a desire for deep sensory pressure or heavy work?
Is it happening when personal space is breached?
Is it happening because words of communication are not yet available to the child?
By identifying the why, guides can position themselves near a child to offer gentle, proactive support before an impulse turns into action.
2. Caring for the Hurt Child First
When an incident occurs, our primary attention immediately goes to the child who was hurt. A guide sits with them, offers comfort, applies ice or washes the area, and acknowledges their feelings ("You were hurt. I am here with you.").
Prioritizing the victim does two vital things: it ensures the hurt child feels completely safe and cared for, and it avoids giving the child who acted out a dramatic "payoff" of intense adult attention, which can inadvertently reinforce the behavior.
3. Clear, Unemotional Boundaries
To the child who bit, pinched, or hit, we offer a firm, calm, and neutral limit. We use simple, direct language without lecturing or shaming:
"I cannot let you bite. Biting hurts."
"I will keep your hands safe. Gentle touch."
“I am not going to let you pinch. Stop.”
We state the boundary clearly, help them restore safety, and redirect them toward an appropriate activity.
4. Teaching Replacement Actions and Language
We model the exact words and gestures children need:
We teach children to hold out a firm hand and say, "Stop" (often accompanied by the sign for “stop”) or "My space."
If a child seeks strong sensory input, we offer heavy motor work—carrying heavy water jugs, scrubbing tables, or squeezing work clay.
If a child is teething or seeking oral feedback, we provide safe alternative items designated for chewing.
What You Can Do at Home
Consistency between home and school offers young children the clarity they crave. Here are meaningful ways to navigate these behaviors at home:
Keep Your Reaction Neutral: Big reactions—screaming, gasping, showing visible shock, or giving long lectures—can be fascinating to a child. They may repeat the behavior just to see if they can produce that powerful reaction again. Aim for a calm, low, firm tone: "I will not let you hit. Hitting hurts."
Acknowledge the Emotion, Limit the Action: Validate what they feel while holding the boundary on their behavior: "You were mad that it was time to leave the park. It is okay to be mad. It is not okay to kick."
Offer "Heavy Work" and Sensory Outlets: Young children often need physical exertion to release built-up energy or frustration. Pushing a weighted wagon, carrying groceries, jumping, squeezing playdough, or tearing paper give their muscles the input they need.
Practice "Grace and Courtesy" in Peaceful Moments: When everyone is calm and happy, role-play social scenarios using simple puppets or stuffed animals. Practice saying "Stop," taking turns, or asking for help. Young children learn best through low-stakes repetition when they are not dysregulated.
Avoid Asking "Why?": Asking a young child "Why did you bite your friend?" requires a level of abstract reflection they do not yet possess. Instead, state what you saw: "You wanted that truck. You bit them. Biting hurts. Next time, say 'My turn.'"
Share Updates on Changes, Teething, and Routine: Order is such an essential foundation in a young child’s world. Disruption or shifts—such as a parent traveling, a new caregiver, schedule changes, or physical discomfort like teething—can easily lead to dysregulation. Letting us know about these changes helps us offer the extra comfort, reassurance, and stability your child needs during the day.
Keep Nails Short and Trimmed: Young children are still developing impulse control. Keeping nails short helps minimize accidental scratches or injuries to themselves, siblings, or peers during physical interactions.
Partner with Your Child’s Guides: If physical behaviors are happening at home, let us know! Likewise, we will keep you informed with transparency and compassion. When home and school use similar language and limits, children feel secure knowing the adults in their world are aligned.
We Are In This Together
This phase of childhood can feel exhausting, and it is temporary. As your child’s spoken language expands and their nervous system matures, these intense physical impulses will give way to verbal communication, empathy, and social grace.
Please remember that you do not have to navigate these moments alone. Our Lead Guides are always happy to meet with you, share observations from the classroom, and collaborate on strategies to ensure consistency between home and school.
In addition, our ECE Director, Nichole Holtvluwer, is an incredible resource for our community. With over 20 years of experience working alongside young children—and having guided families through plenty of physical communication over the years—she brings a wealth of Montessori wisdom, deep empathy, and practical guidance. Whether you are looking for specific strategies or simply need a supportive sounding board, Nichole is always here for you and can be reached directly at Nichole.holtvluwer@mountainshadows.org.
Thank you for partnering with us, for extending grace to yourselves and one another, and for walking alongside your children with respect and understanding during these formative years.
"To assist a child, we must provide an environment which will enable them to develop freely, guided by patience, observation, and love."
– Dr. Maria Montessori
